A good {enough} weekend

We had a really good weekend. Probably one of the best we’ve had in a really long time. There was nothing all that spectacular that happened, in fact it was extremely quiet, but sometimes those are the best.

Friday I actually went grocery shopping for my family. Meaning I sat down and made a list of meals and food and actually did the BIG Costco/Winco trip by myself. These are our two stores that we regularly shop at, even though they are about 20 min away, but I have not gone to either of those stores since May… so this is a huge deal! I am usually the main meal planner/grocery shopper/cook in our home, but the last several months have not been “usual” and my sweet husband has taken over. He has done a great job, but I was feeling like maybe I could try tackling some of this responsibility again. I admit I was a little bit overwhelmed, but I went for it anyway and I’m so glad I did because now we are stocked with good, healthy food for more than a week.

Saturday we completely lucked out by not having any soccer games or other activities at all… a pretty big deal when you’ve got six kids! So I got up and went to the gym and then went out to Home Depot with my husband. We were both feeling a little like tackling a project, so we each got some supplies and went home to get to work. Well, except that once we were home, I decided I was too tired to attempt anything so I took a nap instead. Since our girls were gone and our boys were hanging with friends, it was a nice quiet afternoon. We finished the evening off by watching episodes of one of our favorite shows: Fixer Upper.

Anyone else out there a fan?!! Love this show and this couple!

Since we were planning on going to church Sunday evening, we had a pretty relaxing morning again on Sunday. I decided I had enough energy to get to work on a project, so I painted a dresser for our girls’ room. I even had our older daughter help me paint, which is another big deal because I have a really hard time being around her the most. I even went to town in their room and started cleaning out closets and purging junk. I really enjoy being creative and crafty when I have the energy. In fact some of my most creative times in the past have been when I am manic. Bipolar is crazy like that. Sobbing your heart out one day and bouncing around creating art projects the next. Not that I think I’m manic right now. Actually I have mixed episodes where it’s all jumbled together at the same time, but that’s another story for another day.

Anyway, don’t you think it turned out super cute?

We ended up making it to church at 5 and going out to eat afterwards. It was my first time at church in quite a long time and by the time we made it home, I was completely worn out. If you haven’t suffered from severe depression, you might not understand that it takes a tremendous amount of energy to go out anywhere, especially some place that requires you to smile and say hi to people you know and even ones that you don’t know. It may sound absurd to a “regular” functioning person, but I can only handle being around other people for a certain amount of time and then I’m done. As the weeks have gone by, I think I have made progress in this area but I know that I am not better yet. Maybe I never will be. This has been an ongoing problem for me and I have some friends and family who have been offended by it, but I am not sure what else to do except say sorry. I can be somewhere looking and acting totally normal for awhile, but I don’t have the stamina to keep it up for any length of time or to continue the next day… so we end up leaving an event after awhile or most of the time just not going at all. I want to write more about this sometime, as I don’t think that it’s necessarily healthy to only go out places when we are well enough to “pretend” to be normal. But I know that being “real” does scare most everyone so I am not sure what the answer is? More about that another time.

So by 7:30 last night, I was done. I had to try to not feel guilty for not sitting down to watch the Once Upon a Time premiere with our two kids who have been excited for weeks about it. Instead I just told them to enjoy it by themselves and I headed to bed. Did you hear that? I was tempted to sit there and feel guilty for ONE thing that I didn’t do at the end of a day (and weekend) that was filled with things I DID DO! Ugh! I can’t believe how quickly my mind goes into that negative mode. I am so quick to beat myself up about the things that didn’t get accomplished and I fail to see all of the things that I did… things that just a week or two ago were seriously IMPOSSIBLE! Exercising consistently, meal planning, grocery shopping, interacting with all of my kids, painting furniture, organizing the girl’s room, going to church- all in a weekend!

My therapist has told me that my idea of perfection has clouded my vision to be able to see all of the things that I do that are good enough. Well, this weekend was a chance for me to see just how well I am doing. I still have a ways to go, but man am I doing so much better than I was before. No. I am not perfect… And it is good enough!

THIS is my new mantra: