6 things that are NOT helpful to someone with depression

In a recent post, I shared some practical ways that you can really love someone with depression. That post was based on my experiences in my life as I have dealt with Bipolar depression and what has helped me along the way. I had several friends respond to that post and thank me for the tips. I am amazed and have just began to discover that almost everyone in this world has been affected by depression at some point in their lives, either dealing with it themselves or walking alongside a friend or family member who has. Even though the U.S. has one of the lower rates for clinical depression in the world, it is still estimated that 1 in 8 of us here in America are suffering from this type of mental illness. We are everywhere. We are your next door neighbors, your school teachers, your baristas, your co-workers, your friends, your family. And we need you.

If you are someone who wants to really love someone with depression, I am asking you not only to take the time to DO some of the things I mentioned in the other post, but also to NOT DO some things too!

Yep that’s right, this is my personal list of no-no’s.

While I have been blessed to have had some great friends come alongside me during some very dark times, I have also unfortunately had some not very pleasant experiences. In fact, some of the most painful things I have to work through have been due to some extremely hurtful and insensitive things that have been said to me or about me when I was in a severe depression.

 

I used to think that certain people did things or said things to me or about me just to make me angry or because they thought they were better than me. Now I realize that most likely wasn’t the case at all. It’s because they were just ignorant. They truly thought they were being helpful, but the reality is that they did much more damage than good. Their excuse might be that they didn’t know any better.

Well, listen up. If you are reading this right now, you no longer have an excuse. Please read this and stop doing or saying things that may be hurtful or harmful to your loved one. No matter how accidental it may have been in the past, you don’t have a reason to be insensitive anymore. I realize that this is going to offend some people I know, and I’m sorry if that’s you. But I have put up with far too much crap from people for far too long and I know of so many others who are not bold enough to speak up, so I am doing this for them as well.

PLEASE understand that while most of these things don’t seem like a big deal to you, to someone with clinical depression or another type of mental illness they could be the difference between life and death. Believe me, I speak from experience. I have listened to words said by others and taken them as fact and have tried to end my life because I believed them to be true.

And so, if I haven’t scared you off yet, read on dear friend.

What is NOT helpful to someone who’s depressed:

1. Your “magic cures.” 

“Have you tried…” is probably the most annoying and frustrating start of a conversation with someone. I cannot believe how many people have actually tried to push their magic cures on me. “Oh, you’re depressed? Well, have you tried essential oils or green smoothies or this type of supplement or that type of exercise or going gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, meat-free, etc etc etc??!” While I have no doubt that all of these things may have very well helped someone at some point or another, the fact that these folks are so quick to push their “method of healing” on me makes me crazy. Yes, I have tried some of these things but it is just plain rude to assume that a chemical imbalance in the brain can be cured by simply rubbing a few drops of oil on your feet every night or blending together the perfect protein shake. And the fact that some are even making money from the very products they are pushing is just incredible. Please. Do us a favor and keep your suggestions to yourselves and leave it to the medical professionals. If you want to talk to me about your up and coming business that’s fine, just wait until I’m at a point where I can listen to you without wanting to physically hurt you. And I’m not even going to guess how long that’s going to take.

2.”Suck it up.” Or other phrases might include: “Cheer up!” “Chin up!” “Just be positive!” “You got this!” ETC.

You may not be aware of it, but this is probably THE most insensitive thing to say to someone who’s depressed. By saying this, you are completely trivializing my depression and making me feel a whole lot worse. You are treating something that is life-altering and completely debilitating at times as if it’s like a hard workout that I just need to suck up and get over with. The power of positive thinking does not apply. You have no clue. If I could just “cheer up” at the snap of my fingers, don’t you think I would have done so by now???

3. “Just stop pouting. What do you have to be sad about?” or “There are plenty of people worse off than you.”

You may find this hard to believe, but I have literally been told those EXACT words by more than one family member. Talk about extremely insensitive. As if I am a little child who dropped her ice cream cone on the ground and can’t get over it, you think it’s helpful to step in and be my parent to remind me to stop pouting because life is about more than silly ice-cream cones.

First of all, depression is MUCH more than “sadness” and it is rarely about one specific thing or event. It seriously doesn’t matter how many problems I may or may not have, how much money I have or don’t have, or what my circumstances are. We only have to look to the tragedy of Robin Williams to see how true that is. The fact is, depression doesn’t play favorites or come and go at convenient times. It is a disease that attacks your mind, body and soul and if left untreated or worse dismissed as simply “pouting,” it can wreck even the best of families. Left untreated, depression can lead to serious impairment in daily functioning and even suicide, which is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

And of course there is ALWAYS someone worse off than me… do you think I don’t know that?! Yes, let me conjure up images of starving orphans in Africa (which I have actually met by the way) and that will “cure” me of my selfishness. For you to suggest this seems cruel and completely undermines me as a person.  Thank you for making me feel guilty about not being able to just “snap out of” my illness, as if it’s something I could actually control.

4. You assume my depression is caused by a lack of prayer and Bible study. You give me more verses and prayers and books to read and suggest I make a list of things to thank God for. You don’t “believe” in anti-depressants.

I honestly do not even know how to address this one, except to warn the Christians who are reading this. Now I know you mean well, but just STOP IT. Stop assuming everything is a spiritual problem and can be fixed with a “little bit of love and a whole lotta Jesus!” It makes me sick. Now I am a Christian and I believe that can never be taken away. But I have a mental illness too and no amount of memorizing scriptures or devotional reading is going to bring me out of a suicidal depression. Yes, Jesus can heal. But we also go to doctors when we are sick and get medicine and rest to help us get well. The same is true for mental illness. God has given us amazingly complicated bodies all with different brain chemistry, so I think we should give a little credit to the ones spending their lives in the field of mental health who are trying to find cures and help those of us who are suffering.

And don’t even get me started on how you think anti-depressants and other psychotropic meds are wrong or evil. That’s a load of crap. While I am not currently on any meds at the moment, I have been on different combinations of drugs over time that have saved my life and I have dozens of friends who can attest to the same. But unfortunately I also know too many people who have listened to these lies that medication is for the weak or the crazies or depression is all in their heads and they have failed to get the treatment they have needed. That just sucks.

So please, for the love, stop with your crazy judgmental, “holier than thou” attitudes and keep your mouth shut. Your Bible-thumping does nothing but drive people like me further away from God way more than it does to bring me closer to Him. YOU are the reason for the stigma in the church and the reason that more people don’t get help. Shame on you.

5. “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and other little Christian cliche’s 

Um seriously??? This is absolutely FALSE! This just makes me feel 100 times worse, not to mention that there is no where in the Bible that says this! In fact I would argue that He actually DOES give us more than we can handle, and wants us to trust that He will be there to help us through. I am not a Bible scholar but I do know that there are plenty of examples of situations where people were in way over their heads. I have read the Psalms multiple times and can almost feel the depth of depression and agony that David was in. There were times when he doubted God and didn’t feel His presence at all, and yet God still favored him. I can relate. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with life and feel like death is the only thing I could possibly handle anymore. And that doesn’t phase God. He gets it. It’s times like these when I don’t need some silly Christian cliche’ but simply an acknowledgement that life sucks sometimes and I need others to help me bear it.

6. Pretend that my depression doesn’t exist.

This right here… This is probably the most hurtful thing of all.

I have a little story about this that I want you to hear.

14 years ago, I was very pregnant with one of my kids and was suffering from severe depression. I had felt it coming on for months and had even secretly asked my doctor for some kind of anti-depressant. I know I was desperate because it was so hard even early on, I had even considered terminating the pregnancy. I was so ashamed of being on medication because of the terrible stigma from our friends and family and church, so I didn’t tell anyone except my husband. Well, instead of the medication helping me to get better, I actually got much worse and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the suicidal thoughts from coming. But again I didn’t tell anyone.

One day I was so overwhelmed and tired that every single thought that consumed me was that I just needed to sleep. In fact it became the only thing that entered my mind as I purposely over-dosed on sleeping pills. It was my first suicide attempt. I don’t remember much except that I passed out on the floor, leaving my two little toddler boys to fend for themselves in the house alone. Very scary. I know, mother of the year right here.

Anyway, a family member found me awhile later and called my husband to take me to the hospital. Even in my extremely lethargic state, I remember trying so hard to convince the hospital staff that it was no big deal. This should have been the first clue to anyone watching that I had a problem. A 20 year old mom of two who is also 8 1/2 months pregnant and overdosing on sleeping pills certainly was a big deal. “I just wanted to sleep,” I told them after they interrogated me with guilt-inducing questions. But they weren’t buying it. The hospital staff called my doctor and ordered me to get in to see a therapist and then let me go home. I rolled my eyes and laid down in the back seat of the car as we headed home. As we drove home, my husband and this other person talked quietly in the front while I (pretended) to be sleeping in the back.

And I will never, ever forget what this person said.

They told my husband “We won’t tell anyone about tonight. Nobody from church, no other family members, no one needs to know this happened. It will just be between us.”

They were ashamed of me and couldn’t bear it if anyone found out. Let’s just pretend like this never happened. And that was it.

Soon afterwards, I went to see my doctor and she immediately ordered me to be induced into labor for the sake of my baby. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and became a young overwhelmed mother for the third time.

No one talked about the “incident.” It was like it never happened. Well, to them at least. Meanwhile, a part of me was dying a slow and painful death. I was desperate for someone to know what I was going through, but I kept it hidden for so long because of the shame of that night.

Over the years, I have had a few more “incidents.” And the same people want to pretend like these times and even my depression/ bipolar doesn’t exist. I have tried hard to let go of that shame that certain people have put on me because they are too scared to talk openly about it. And I have slowly been getting bolder in sharing my experiences with others.

This blog is one of the most courageous things I have ever done. I have publicly put myself out here for the whole world to read about. Talk about scary!

And now that you know what I’m dealing with, I am going to ask something of you.

Please please don’t pretend like what I’m going through doesn’t exist! If I see you somewhere or we’re friends on facebook, don’t try to avoid talking about the hard things. I want, no I NEED people to ask me how I am doing. To check in with me and let me know that they care about me for who I am, not for who they think I should be. It’s hurtful to have people say they are friends or even family, but only be there when all is fine and dandy. They get uncomfortable if things are a little “messy.”

Well let me tell you something. Life is messy! We are all messed up in some way and if you don’t think you are, then you are in serious denial and I really don’t care to be a part of your “perfect life” anyway. Pain and heartache and death and divorce and yes even mental illness all exist. I’d love for us to walk through it together.

 

**Well, this post ended up being a whole lot longer than I intended, but I really felt that it was important. I hope it wasn’t too discouraging. Just remember, when you are trying to love someone with depression- a lot of times it’s just recognizing that you can’t always take someone’s pain away, so it’s just a matter of being comforting and being there to listen. Whatever you do, just don’t repeat any of these phrases. Please.