Depression and the Holidays {How do we manage?}

Well, I wasn’t sure when I would get a chance to get back here and write again, but I felt like this was something important that needed to be talked about.

If you suffer from depression or another kind of mental illness, you would probably agree with me that the holidays are some of the hardest days/weeks of your entire year. Instead of something to look forward to and enjoy, we see the holidays as something we are just trying to “get through.”

Wait! Isn’t it supposed to be “The most wonderful time of the year?”

Hmmm, I guess it is for some people. After all, it is a season filled with parties, family gatherings, traditions, and social interactions. But for others, it can be a time of sadness, loneliness, stress, and anxiety.

And I, for one, know exactly how that feels.

If you are sitting there today, in the midst of this holiday season, and feeling the same way… I just want you to know that you’re not alone. For me, some years are worse than others and admittedly I am doing much better this year than the last 3 years in a row, but even now I still feel it creeping in. And it scares me.

Obviously, I cannot cure depression or anxiety (yours or mine), and it is a well-known fact that this time of year can cause all kind of triggers to make things worse. But, I wanted to share with you a few ways that you might be able to help manage your depression and anxiety during the holidays and maybe even enjoy it too! And believe me, this is as much for myself as anyone else!

1. Lower your expectations.    

Seriously! This is SO HARD for me! For years I have had the idea in my mind of the “Perfect Christmas” and I have spent all this time chasing after it only to find myself more stressed out and depressed than before! Even just this week, my husband had to remind me of my new mantra: “Good Enough is the new Perfect.” We must remember that just about everything- gifts, decorating, food, company- it all can be “good enough.” Phew!

2. Take time for yourself.

This is another difficult one. When things get busier in our lives we tend to take care of ourselves LESS instead of more. This is the opposite of what needs to really happen. For example, exercise is probably the first thing to go on our list of things to do. We have too much shopping, baking, wrapping, driving, to do and so we cut out something that seems less important like exercise. The more stress we are under, the less time we feel like we have, and as a result- the more irritated our mood is and run down our body feels.  And we already know what a great booster exercise is for our mood, so we just gotta do it! Again, I am preaching this to myself right now! I may not have time to do my normal hour and a half at the gym, but I can squeeze in a brisk 30 minute walk around my neighborhood and it will still do the trick. Plus, it can help work against all those extra calories you might be consuming this month! 🙂

Another way to take care of yourself is making sure you get enough sleep. Studies have shown that there is a significant link to lack of sleep and depression, so do yourself a favor and try to go to bed at a decent time each night and maybe even schedule a nap for yourself on the weekend.  You could even give yourself an early gift and go get a massage or a facial… anything to help you de-stress during this crazy time of year. I planned ahead and scheduled myself a massage for a few weeks from now- when I am feeling stressed about all the last minute things… I’m definitely looking forward to it! Oh and don’t forget to take your meds and supplements! I have forgotten a couple of times already this month and I am amazed at how terrible I feel without them- my body needs them!

3. Watch your eating and drinking.

This would also fall into the taking care of yourself category, but it is significant enough to require its own bullet point. J Well, what can I say? It’s that time of year where there are yummy treats, decadent dishes, and other tempting foods at our fingertips. Now, I am probably the last person to give advice on staying away from the deliciousness of the holidays, but I do know that gaining 10 more pounds from a month of eating whatever I wanted has its consequences. Not only do I feel sluggish, bloated and guilty afterwards, but I start the new year off feeling more depressed because I am more overweight than I was before. For many of us, we use food or even alcohol to deal with holiday depression. Just remember, alcohol can intensify your emotions and leave you feeling worse when it wears off. Now, I am not saying that you have to deprive yourself completely, but I think we could all have a little more restraint in this area. For myself, I am going to try to remember how yucky I feel after overindulging, so I will eat healthy as much as possible during the month and maybe I will just eat one cookie instead of the whole plate!

4. Learn to say no.

Holiday parties, concerts, family gatherings, and annual traditions can add up quickly, especially with a big family like ours. I am learning that although they all might be good things, I can’t do it all. Being bipolar, it can actually be damaging to my health and possibly send me into a deeper depression or cause more anxiety than I already have.  I need all of my energy to cope with one event at a time, and if I become overloaded with obligations then I won’t be able to function at all. This means I may disappoint family members or friends by not attending something or leaving early. I know some people don’t understand this, but I think it’s better for them to be upset because I didn’t attend, than to be upset because I had a major meltdown and ruined the festivities for everyone. I do not owe my family anything that compromises my health, so I will be claiming some personal boundaries this season to help with that. I am going to rest when I need to, avoid conversations that I cannot handle right now, and avoid traditions that cause me more stress than joy.

5. Get outside!

I know for me, a big part of why this time of year is the hardest is because it’s dark! It’s dark when I get up in the morning, dark again by 5pm, and even during most days it is foggy or cloudy. This can majorly affect my mood and energy, so I need to try to make the effort to get outside and take a walk when the sun is actually out. Last year, we lived in the mountains where it was much colder than I was used to and our house was surrounded by huge sequoia trees so it was dark all day long. Plus we lived an hour and a half from town, so I felt trapped in isolation most days.  I was so depressed! This year, we have moved back to town and are currently experiencing the warmest, sunniest December in recent history. Although we desperately need rain here in California, I am not complaining about the sun… I am much less depressed than I was last year!

Oh and don’t forget to be taking your vitamin D supplements! It is known as the “sunshine vitamin” and can help tremendously if you are deficient. Earlier this year my body was so depleted of vitamin D that I was taking 80,000 units a week! I am now down to about 30,000 units per week and am feeling pretty good.  I know that it makes a huge difference because I feel yucky when I forget to take it. Vitamin D levels can become depleted without enough sunshine, and this is especially true during the winter months when we stay inside more and the sun is not as intense, so it might be a good idea to ask your dr for a simple blood test to check those levels.

6. Ask for help.

Again, why is this so hard for us? I am not sure about you, but I know that during this time of year I tend to think that I have to do it all. Everyone else is so busy with their own things that I don’t want to inconvenience them. The problem with that is that usually I will try to do everything on my own without asking for help and while I might make it through the holidays, by mid-January or February I could be at such a low point that hospitalization may be required. Now most times I hate the fact that because I have a mental illness, I have to rely on other people to get through life- like my doctor, therapist, family, friends. But in reality it’s the best thing for me, because I have a support system already in place and most times they can even tell when I am starting to go downhill. I am trying to be better at recognizing when I need help and to just ask for it. For some of us, it may mean asking our husband or friend if they could pick us up something from the store or even help with dinner. Or we might be feeling lonely or sad and we just need to pick up the phone and call a loved one or invite a friend over to sit with us. All I know is that continuing to isolate myself and think that I have to do it all alone really just leaves me worse off and feeling bitter.

7. Last, but certainly not least… Remember the reason for the season.

I know, I know it’s just another cliché that people like to throw out there, but it has some truth to it. I am a Christian, which means that I celebrate the birth of my savior Jesus Christ on Christmas. There is just something so incredible about the God of the universe coming down to earth in the form of a helpless newborn baby. His arrival wasn’t big or loud or spectacular. Instead He was born in a dirty, smelly stable with shepherds and animals nearby. A humble beginning for One who was to become King. And that’s the point. He came to be “God with us” (Immanuel) and to show the world how much God loves them. What a gift!! And really, Christmas is about taking the time to reflect on that and point the world back to Him. So try not to get so distracted with all of the things on your to-do list that you forget why we are celebrating in the first place. If you have kids, there are so many great books that can help you teach them the reasons behind all of the traditional “Christmasy” things that we do. From creative ways to countdown advent and why we have Christmas Trees and Candy Canes, to the story of the real Santa Claus (St. Nicholas). Hey, these are great even if you don’t have kids to just keep it simple!

Here is my little collection of children’s Christmas books… We have been gathering them for years! 

Whether or not you celebrate Jesus at Christmas, I think most would agree that it is a season for giving to others and you can begin simple traditions that help the less fortunate. Whether it’s participating in RACK (Random Acts of Christmas Kindness), giving food or gifts to a needy family, or even just visiting our lonely or elderly neighbors, something happens when you take your eyes off of yourself and focus on those who have far less than you do. It’s really hard to be depressed when you are helping someone else and as a bonus, we learn to be grateful for the blessings we do have!

**Remember, the holidays can be really stressful for anyone, but even more so for someone who already suffers from depression. Hopefully though by recognizing your triggers, planning ahead, and managing stress, you can begin to not only “get through” but even enjoy this “most wonderful time of the year.”

{Day 30} The END of TMS!!!

Today was the day! I have officially completed 6 weeks of TMS therapy! I AM DONE!!! It was a milestone for sure. I can hardly believe it is over. In some ways the day I started TMS feels like so so long ago and in other ways I can recall it like it was yesterday. I remember having so much anxiety about whether or not we were making the right decision. We had no guarantee that it was going to work and $11,000 cash was a pretty big gamble for us. But as you may remember, we were desperate. Desperate enough to not only go ahead with the treatment but also to send me away for the first couple weeks until I started feeling some relief. Looking back, I will say that it was one of the best decisions we ever made. I am so glad we took a chance on it.

I know now that while the TMS played a huge part in my recovery, it was just one of many factors that helped me get to where I am today. In addition to getting up and driving across town 5 days a week for 6 weeks at 8am (never once missed a day!), I’ve been in weekly psychotherapy, I have a Dr that regularly checks in with me, I take a ton of vitamins and supplements, have had many people praying for me, and best of all I have had a supportive husband and small group of friends. They have been there through this time to bring my family meals, text and call just to say they care, and to just encourage me to keep going and not give up. I also started exercising 4-5 days/week and eating healthier… two things that play a critical role in my healing process, but also things that I was just unable to do a few months ago because I was so very depressed.

 

Today after my 30th session of TMS, my doctor asked me the same questions he has asked me every two weeks. Again, I wasn’t thinking that much had changed. Last time I was shocked that I had been at a 9 on the depression scale. So today imagine my surprise when I had gone down to a 5!!! 6 weeks ago, I was at a 34 on the depression scale. Scared and overwhelmed to the point of wanting to end my life. Today I am down to a 5! And really that is more because of some feelings of guilt and anxiety than depression, so I would say I am doing pretty darn good!

My husband and I went out to lunch today to celebrate and he surprised me with a very sweet and therapeutic gift. He paid for me to have a spa massage at least once a month for the next year!! Ah, that is going to be so nice and relaxing! Again, I am thankful that while he is not perfect, he has come so far in learning to understand me and has been so patient while doing everything possible to help me to slowly get better. Plus he cut fresh, beautiful roses for me to come home to this afternoon, so I think I’ll keep him. 😉

Speaking of celebrating, I am just so thankful for this part of my journey to be over that I decided I needed to do something fun for me. So I invited a few of my girl friends to go out tomorrow night to celebrate and thank them for being there and not giving up on me. I also marked the calendar for me to getaway to the beach with no kids next month… whoo hooo! I am actually proud of myself for taking the initiative to plan and do these things for my well-being… NO GUILT. Seriously can you see just how far I’ve come?!!

 

I also just wanted to say thank you to all of you.

I know that there are not many people who take the time to read my blog, but to those who do- I am grateful. There were days when I felt like there was not a single person in the whole world who could possibly understand what I was going through. But then I would get a comment or a message from one of you telling me how something I said here had impacted you. That you knew the pain I had felt and understood the road that I was on. And it helped me to keep going. I kept writing not only because it was therapeutic for me, but because I thought maybe it could help someone else. And hopefully it did.

Now that my TMS is officially over, I am not sure yet if I will keep writing this blog. In some ways, it was a way to document my progress, but in other ways it became a platform, even if very very small. It’s been a way for me to vent about Bipolar and even to educate others who may not know how to deal with someone with a mental illness. I really have enjoyed writing when I find the time. But now that I am just “ok” again, I wonder if I really have anything worth sharing with the world? I do have Bipolar though and I am certain to have many more ups and downs, which could get interesting.

I guess I will just have to wait and see. For now, I will say that I am going to take a little break and see how it goes. If I miss writing or feel like I have something worth sharing, I guess now I know that I will always have this blog to come back to. Anyway, thanks for reading!

A good {enough} weekend

We had a really good weekend. Probably one of the best we’ve had in a really long time. There was nothing all that spectacular that happened, in fact it was extremely quiet, but sometimes those are the best.

Friday I actually went grocery shopping for my family. Meaning I sat down and made a list of meals and food and actually did the BIG Costco/Winco trip by myself. These are our two stores that we regularly shop at, even though they are about 20 min away, but I have not gone to either of those stores since May… so this is a huge deal! I am usually the main meal planner/grocery shopper/cook in our home, but the last several months have not been “usual” and my sweet husband has taken over. He has done a great job, but I was feeling like maybe I could try tackling some of this responsibility again. I admit I was a little bit overwhelmed, but I went for it anyway and I’m so glad I did because now we are stocked with good, healthy food for more than a week.

Saturday we completely lucked out by not having any soccer games or other activities at all… a pretty big deal when you’ve got six kids! So I got up and went to the gym and then went out to Home Depot with my husband. We were both feeling a little like tackling a project, so we each got some supplies and went home to get to work. Well, except that once we were home, I decided I was too tired to attempt anything so I took a nap instead. Since our girls were gone and our boys were hanging with friends, it was a nice quiet afternoon. We finished the evening off by watching episodes of one of our favorite shows: Fixer Upper.

Anyone else out there a fan?!! Love this show and this couple!

Since we were planning on going to church Sunday evening, we had a pretty relaxing morning again on Sunday. I decided I had enough energy to get to work on a project, so I painted a dresser for our girls’ room. I even had our older daughter help me paint, which is another big deal because I have a really hard time being around her the most. I even went to town in their room and started cleaning out closets and purging junk. I really enjoy being creative and crafty when I have the energy. In fact some of my most creative times in the past have been when I am manic. Bipolar is crazy like that. Sobbing your heart out one day and bouncing around creating art projects the next. Not that I think I’m manic right now. Actually I have mixed episodes where it’s all jumbled together at the same time, but that’s another story for another day.

Anyway, don’t you think it turned out super cute?

We ended up making it to church at 5 and going out to eat afterwards. It was my first time at church in quite a long time and by the time we made it home, I was completely worn out. If you haven’t suffered from severe depression, you might not understand that it takes a tremendous amount of energy to go out anywhere, especially some place that requires you to smile and say hi to people you know and even ones that you don’t know. It may sound absurd to a “regular” functioning person, but I can only handle being around other people for a certain amount of time and then I’m done. As the weeks have gone by, I think I have made progress in this area but I know that I am not better yet. Maybe I never will be. This has been an ongoing problem for me and I have some friends and family who have been offended by it, but I am not sure what else to do except say sorry. I can be somewhere looking and acting totally normal for awhile, but I don’t have the stamina to keep it up for any length of time or to continue the next day… so we end up leaving an event after awhile or most of the time just not going at all. I want to write more about this sometime, as I don’t think that it’s necessarily healthy to only go out places when we are well enough to “pretend” to be normal. But I know that being “real” does scare most everyone so I am not sure what the answer is? More about that another time.

So by 7:30 last night, I was done. I had to try to not feel guilty for not sitting down to watch the Once Upon a Time premiere with our two kids who have been excited for weeks about it. Instead I just told them to enjoy it by themselves and I headed to bed. Did you hear that? I was tempted to sit there and feel guilty for ONE thing that I didn’t do at the end of a day (and weekend) that was filled with things I DID DO! Ugh! I can’t believe how quickly my mind goes into that negative mode. I am so quick to beat myself up about the things that didn’t get accomplished and I fail to see all of the things that I did… things that just a week or two ago were seriously IMPOSSIBLE! Exercising consistently, meal planning, grocery shopping, interacting with all of my kids, painting furniture, organizing the girl’s room, going to church- all in a weekend!

My therapist has told me that my idea of perfection has clouded my vision to be able to see all of the things that I do that are good enough. Well, this weekend was a chance for me to see just how well I am doing. I still have a ways to go, but man am I doing so much better than I was before. No. I am not perfect… And it is good enough!

THIS is my new mantra:

 

 

{Days 6 & 7} Exercise and Sleep

It’s been one week now since I started TMS therapy.

 

One week since I left my family for a time and began the journey to healing.

 

And what a week it’s been.

I have had many people asking me the last few days if I have noticed any difference. My first reaction is usually to answer no, because come on, it’s only been one week! But the past few days there has definitely been a shift. Something is happening.

It started with the tap class the other day. I felt so good that day after doing something I loved while getting a good workout at the same time. So Tuesday night I met a new friend at Bible study and she invited me to come to a “Spin” class with her the next  morning. I actually tried to get out of it because I’m not really a fan of all that bike riding, but because I had just met her and I wanted to get to know her and the things she likes to do (and I knew I needed the exercise)- I went for it. Oh my! It was quite the workout! So I went straight to my therapy appointments from there and by 1:00 yesterday afternoon, I was exhausted! I took a shower and sat down on the bed to read, and the next thing I know it’s like 4:00 in the afternoon… I had fallen asleep in the middle of the day for over two hours! Again! And last night, even after my long nap, I ended up going to bed at a decent time, slept the whole night and had taken only 1 sleep-aid. That’s a big deal! These last several months since I went off of my original meds, I have had to take anywhere from 2-4 benadryl or sleep-aids just to be able to get a decent sleep. So something is definitely changing.

Some would account my better sleep to my recent adjustment in exercise. It’s true, I have exercised more in the past week than I probably did in the past year combined! And we all know that exercise not only helps you sleep better, but it also makes you “happy.” In the words of WebMD:

“When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as “euphoric.” That feeling, known as a “runner’s high,” can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.

Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. They are manufactured in your brain, spinal cord, and many other parts of your body and are released in response to brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.”

So that is great news!

But, regardless of how I am doing at the moment or what webmd says, I don’t believe that exercise is the sole “cure” for Bipolar or severe Depression. Because over the past few years that I have been suffering mightily with this mental illness, I have exercised off and on. About two years ago, I trained hard for a half-marathon and was running a lot. And that was right in the midst of the most severe suicidal depression I have ever known. So no, I don’t believe exercise is purely the answer.

In my opinion, I think that this TMS is starting to help a little. But it’s the combination of the therapy with all of the other things I’m doing to “boost” my healing at the same time.  I am going everyday at 8:15am to have my neurotransmitters stimulated and then most days going to the gym or dance class afterwards. Then I make plans to have lunch or coffee with a friend who knows me well and is going to build me up and not tear me down. The other night my husband picked me up for a nice dinner date. I have now transitioned from a hotel, to living with a friend and her family. I come back to shower and rest or read and then maybe have plans for the evening or just stay here and relax. I even took one of my sons to the dentist and jamba juice today- it was the first time I had seen him in a week. And it was ok.

I’m going to be honest: A lot of life is still extremely overwhelming to me and I can begin to have major anxiety and go into a downward spiral if I think about it for too long. But I am making little bits of progress each day. And that is the important thing. 

Two weeks ago I did not have the physical or mental energy to even take a 5 minute walk down the street. If you would’ve told me that all I needed to do was go to the gym and I’d be “cured” I would’ve told you off with some not very nice words. It simply was NOT possible. I was not in any condition to go take a spin or zumba class. I was locked in my room overwhelmed with my life, and telling me to exercise would have put me over the edge. Seriously.

But I believe the combination of me having to get my butt out of bed and to TMS at 8:15 every morning and the actual therapy itself is beginning to transform me. I actually spent two hours dancing for exercise tonight- TWO HOURS! A week and a half ago, that was unheard of! And right now, for the first time in months I am going to attempt to go to bed now WITHOUT any sleep-aids. Yikes! I just want to try it and see if the combo of TMS and lots of exercise is enough to help me sleep all night naturally. I’ll let you know tomorrow how it works out! Goodnight!

{Day 5} Tappin’ my cares away

Today’s post is short and sweet.

I went this morning for TMS and then my husband brought me these and told me to have fun.

So I went for it… I put my tap shoes on for the first time in about 9 years and I walked into class. I was pretty nervous, wondering if my brain would even be able to function enough to be able to tell my feet what to do. Tap is like 80% mental… it’s basically getting your mind and your feet to work as quickly as possible, while sounding good at the same time. It’s all about clean sounding steps, which is trickier than it looks. And amazingly it’s a little bit like riding a bike… even though it’s been years and years since I learned all those steps, today they all came rushing back to me like I had been doing this all along. Now, I’m not saying it was easy! No, now I weigh significantly more and am much more out of shape than I used to be so that made it a challenge. Also I had not put those shoes on in 9 years so by the end of class my feet were bleeding and had huge blisters- ouch!!

But the joy I felt during that one hour made it all worth it.

It was truly therapeutic.

I felt like I was literally dancing my cares away. For one whole hour I actually had so much fun and even smiled!

Today was a big day for me.

I tapped. I got a facial. I even went to Bible study with a friend.

Seemingly little things…

But compared to where I was just one week ago, these little things are a BIG DEAL.

It means I’m taking control of my healing and working to get better. I am “trying” even when I am tired and want to give up. I am truly choosing to “Dance in the Rain!”

And now for your viewing pleasure, you have to watch this! It was one of my favorite SYTYCD routines EVER! THIS is what makes me love tap so much! Watching this just makes me feel happy. 🙂

And this one was pretty great too!

{Day 3} Just Breathe

I’m gonna be honest. I could get used to this “alone time” thing. In the past few days since I have been away from home, I have gone where I wanted to go, eaten whatever kind of food I wanted to, watched movies and read books when I wanted, gotten a massage and a haircut and today slept for over 2 hours in the middle of the day just because my body was tired and I could. It’s been good. I’m thinking that maybe I am much more of an introvert than I thought I was. I actually like having time by myself.

And it is taking everything in me to not beat myself up and feel guilty about it.

Because you see, this is probably the first time in my life that I am taking an active part in taking care of myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong- it’s not like I’ve never gone out to get a pedicure, or coffee with a friend, or even slept in the middle of the day before. I’ve also been blessed to have had a few amazing massages in my lifetime when we’ve gone on a vacation or getaway. And of course there’s always those little trips to Target- you know the ones…  when you’ve just had one of those days and are waiting by the door for your husband to get home. You give him a quick kiss and grab the keys as you practically sprint out the door like it’s an emergency. (Well, you did run out of paper plates and Windex in the same day.)And so when you get there you grab your favorite Starbucks on the way in and somehow manage to spend 2 ½ hours wandering down the aisles in some kind of trance. Because Target is your “happy place.” Especially when there are no kids in tow. But then again, maybe I’m the only one who has done that…

But this time is different. This is not just some little couple hour “escape from reality” to get me through another week or month. This is me actually taking some part in saving my own life. And I have my husband to thank for that because I wouldn’t be here without his encouragement.

This is the man who has watched me struggle and suffer for years and years and not known how to help. He’s always been good about letting me go out if I was having a hard day, but when my moods would get out of control he had no clue what to do and would usually end up being a trigger to me being in more pain. He never saw how desperately I needed help and tried so hard to make me “feel better” in all sorts of ways. To be honest, it took my being admitted to the psychiatric hospital a few years ago for him to really wake up and see that this was not something we could deal with on our own. We needed help. Badly.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I have not only stayed home with my kids since they were babies, but I actually homeschooled for 10 years as well. I now know that I was completely crazy! I will save the story for another time, but there was A LOT of pressure within our circle of friends to homeschool and we really thought we were doing what God wanted us to do. We wanted to be the “perfect” Christian parents, just like everyone around us. Of course no one else I knew was suffering silently from Bipolar like I was. No one else I knew was dealing with a teenager with Aspergers in the midst of full-on rebellion and a toddler with major developmental delays. It was during the adoption of our two teens from Ethiopia (again, another story I will share someday)that I found myself in the midst of the darkest depression I had ever known and ended up in the hospital after attempting to end my life. I just could not handle one more thing and my body, mind and spirit were so depleted that they had given up the fight. I had been going and going- trying to be everything for my family and not stopped to think that maybe I needed to get some help for myself. I went back to therapy, started the (very frustrating) process of finding the right medications, and put 3 of our kids in school. I had a few ok months, but then had the enormous responsibility of teaching two teens who didn’t speak English at home as well as having to deal with 3 kids with attachment and adoption issues all day, every day. Our marriage was suffering and I was suffering. We tried more therapy, different medications, we even moved our entire family up to the mountains to “get away” from the stress of life. Some of it helped and some of it just made things worse. My kids had started resenting me for my crazy up and down moods and again my poor husband just did not know what to do with me. My life had fallen apart and I didn’t think it was possible to ever recover.

By the time I started seeing a new doctor this past June, I had virtually no hope that things would ever be able to change. He ran a bunch of tests and as he went over all my lab work with me, I began to see that this “illness” wasn’t just all in my head. Many of my vitamin levels and hormones were extremely low and I was suffering from adrenal fatigue on top of everything else. Over the past few years I have gained a huge amount of weight, which only adds to the depression and self-hatred. The stress in my life was now taking its physical toll on my body.

My doctor immediately put me on numerous vitamins and supplements before starting back on the road to medication. He told me it was mandatory that I be in individual therapy weekly and that I needed to start back exercising in short amounts each day. Both my doctor and therapist have pleaded with me to reduce as much stress in my life as possible and take time for “me.”  But how in the world does someone do that with 6 kids and lots of responsibilities at home??

It reminds me of when you fly on an airplane. They always do the little video before take-off where they make sure to stress that in the case of an emergency, you need to put the oxygen mask in front of you on before assisting others. It’s simple enough. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t have enough air to be able to help someone else. You need to be alive and breathing in order to save someone.

This past week, when we decided to go ahead and begin the TMS therapy, my husband was the one to suggest this time away until I started having some relief and my doctor and therapist couldn’t have agreed more. I am so thankful to him for this. He has been doing the hard stuff for a long time while I have been sick and I know he is exhausted, but he has hope that one day I am going to be back and restored to the wife and mom that I was meant to be. And all of the things I am doing now are contributing to that restoration.

So I’m going to stop feeling guilty and just rest. Trusting that my family will be taken care of and that in order to be able to help them eventually, I need stop to put my oxygen mask on and take care of myself first. And for today, that’s enough.

Just breathe.