Today was the day! I have officially completed 6 weeks of TMS therapy! I AM DONE!!! It was a milestone for sure. I can hardly believe it is over. In some ways the day I started TMS feels like so so long ago and in other ways I can recall it like it was yesterday. I remember having so much anxiety about whether or not we were making the right decision. We had no guarantee that it was going to work and $11,000 cash was a pretty big gamble for us. But as you may remember, we were desperate. Desperate enough to not only go ahead with the treatment but also to send me away for the first couple weeks until I started feeling some relief. Looking back, I will say that it was one of the best decisions we ever made. I am so glad we took a chance on it.
I know now that while the TMS played a huge part in my recovery, it was just one of many factors that helped me get to where I am today. In addition to getting up and driving across town 5 days a week for 6 weeks at 8am (never once missed a day!), I’ve been in weekly psychotherapy, I have a Dr that regularly checks in with me, I take a ton of vitamins and supplements, have had many people praying for me, and best of all I have had a supportive husband and small group of friends. They have been there through this time to bring my family meals, text and call just to say they care, and to just encourage me to keep going and not give up. I also started exercising 4-5 days/week and eating healthier… two things that play a critical role in my healing process, but also things that I was just unable to do a few months ago because I was so very depressed.
Today after my 30th session of TMS, my doctor asked me the same questions he has asked me every two weeks. Again, I wasn’t thinking that much had changed. Last time I was shocked that I had been at a 9 on the depression scale. So today imagine my surprise when I had gone down to a 5!!! 6 weeks ago, I was at a 34 on the depression scale. Scared and overwhelmed to the point of wanting to end my life. Today I am down to a 5! And really that is more because of some feelings of guilt and anxiety than depression, so I would say I am doing pretty darn good!
My husband and I went out to lunch today to celebrate and he surprised me with a very sweet and therapeutic gift. He paid for me to have a spa massage at least once a month for the next year!! Ah, that is going to be so nice and relaxing! Again, I am thankful that while he is not perfect, he has come so far in learning to understand me and has been so patient while doing everything possible to help me to slowly get better. Plus he cut fresh, beautiful roses for me to come home to this afternoon, so I think I’ll keep him. 😉
Speaking of celebrating, I am just so thankful for this part of my journey to be over that I decided I needed to do something fun for me. So I invited a few of my girl friends to go out tomorrow night to celebrate and thank them for being there and not giving up on me. I also marked the calendar for me to getaway to the beach with no kids next month… whoo hooo! I am actually proud of myself for taking the initiative to plan and do these things for my well-being… NO GUILT. Seriously can you see just how far I’ve come?!!
I also just wanted to say thank you to all of you.
I know that there are not many people who take the time to read my blog, but to those who do- I am grateful. There were days when I felt like there was not a single person in the whole world who could possibly understand what I was going through. But then I would get a comment or a message from one of you telling me how something I said here had impacted you. That you knew the pain I had felt and understood the road that I was on. And it helped me to keep going. I kept writing not only because it was therapeutic for me, but because I thought maybe it could help someone else. And hopefully it did.
Now that my TMS is officially over, I am not sure yet if I will keep writing this blog. In some ways, it was a way to document my progress, but in other ways it became a platform, even if very very small. It’s been a way for me to vent about Bipolar and even to educate others who may not know how to deal with someone with a mental illness. I really have enjoyed writing when I find the time. But now that I am just “ok” again, I wonder if I really have anything worth sharing with the world? I do have Bipolar though and I am certain to have many more ups and downs, which could get interesting.
I guess I will just have to wait and see. For now, I will say that I am going to take a little break and see how it goes. If I miss writing or feel like I have something worth sharing, I guess now I know that I will always have this blog to come back to. Anyway, thanks for reading!
Broken & Bipolar 