I can feel it coming on. My insides begin to stir and rumble and something just isn’t right. My heart starts racing. My head starts pounding. The tears start coming and the words go flying.
Oh God no, not again.
I know what’s coming. I’m going to be sick. It’s like bile. Dark and nasty; just waiting to be forced up to the surface and vomited out. I am convulsing. I am shaking with anger and rage. Then I am convulsing with tears and pain. I can’t breathe! This sickness in my head has taken over my body and wants to kill me. The demon is back.
I try to run. But it’s no use.
Help me! Please somebody help me!
You say you’re there, but I can’t feel you. You say you care, but I don’t see it.
You just have words. Lots and lots of words.
Words of “encouragement.” Words of prayer and scripture and advice. Oh yes, thank you for the advice.
I try to smile. Because it makes you feel better. Because you just have so many damn words that you think will make a difference. But seriously, I can’t focus or listen to what you are saying. It begins to sound like nails on a chalkboard to me. Just make it stop.
So I shut you out. Hoping for silence. Just leave me the hell alone.
But in the darkness the voices come back to me, louder than ever.
You worthless piece of crap, why are you still here? Don’t you know that everyone’s sick of you and your ugliness? Your kids hate you, why did you ever think adoption was a good idea and your husband deserves someone who is whole and will love him unconditionally. That will never be you. You have broken relationships with everyone that’s ever tried to care about you, and they are tired of you. You push everyone away. You will never be able to love anyone. And no one will ever love you. You are just too damn broken. You are a fat, lazy whore who will never be good enough.
Images begin to flash into my mind and consume me. Pills, ropes, sharp blades, cars and high cliffs. “You’d better get it right this time,” I hear a voice say. I am scared of myself.
Where is GOD in this deep chasm that I am in? Where is the One who said He would never leave me or forsake me? Where is the One who is supposed to be holding me and loving me??? Where is the peace and hope and JOY?! I cry out and He is silent. I BEG for healing and I am more afflicted.
I wish He would just come hold me.
Oh God I’m just so tired.
Tired of fighting. Tired of pretending until I can’t anymore. Tired of living.
And so I just want to sleep. Just close my eyes and sink into unconsciousness. I won’t feel anymore.
And soon the pain begins to feel numb.
The sickness begins to ease.
And I am nothing.